Thursday, August 26, 2010

a-MUSE-ing a bonus

These days, if a guy has problems getting Mr. Happy to rise to the occasion in the bedroom, all he has to do is pop a little pill and things will usually start to work. Many relationships have been saved due to the effects of Levitra, Cialis, and Viagra. Erectile dysfunction is no longer something to be ashamed about.

But not too long ago, the treatment options were a little more invasive. Proper administration was crucial to the successful use of the medications. I remember the counseling sessions where I showed many men how to inject their penises with alprostadil (Caverject, Edex). You could tell that the thought of sticking a needle in Mr. Happy didn't appeal to very many of the men, but the sex drive usually overcame the fear of the needle and the guys gave it a try.

But there was another alprostadil product.... M.U.S.E. The Medicated Urethral System for Erection. This was a small pellet that was inserted into the urethra to help the man achieve an erection. It didn't involve a needle, but it still involved sticking something into Mr. Happy. With the M.U.S.E. system, you needed to have a somewhat steady hand while inserting the suppository. I fielded several calls from men (and women) about the suppository falling off of the applicator that was enclosed.

(I know, the picture is not entirely accurate with how the M.U.S.E. applicator looks, but it achieves the purpose of displaying something being placed into the urethra of a man)

A few years ago, I had a 50-something male patient who was trying to recapture his youth. We'll call him Peter. Whatever the latest trend was, he was on it. Pierced tongue...yep. Tattoo on back of neck... yep. He had white hair, but it was colored. I think we called it piss-yellow. Anyhow, he was having his mid-life crisis. And I recall filling a prescription for him one day for the M.U.S.E. and him rushing out the door without being counselled. He was too busy. He'd read the info sheet when he got home.

One Saturday morning, Peter comes into the pharmacy. He was throwing a royal hissy-fit. Told me that the M.U.S.E. didn't work.

Apparently the night before, he was able to charm a young lady (at one of our local bars) and get her to go home with him. In his drunken excitement, he attempted to insert one of the M.U.S.E. suppositories. He was not successful. He told me that he had tried to insert it several times, but could not get an erection.

Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out the applicator. It was covered in dried blood. Peter had stabbed his urethra multiple times in an effort to get Mr. Happy to rise to the occasion.

Moral of the story: If you need assistance in getting Mr. Happy to help make you happy, you should read the instructions well in advance of any sexual activity. Maybe practice once or twice. Sticking a plastic applicator into the end of your penis is not something that should be attempted for the first time while in a state of drunken arousal.

Some of you may recognize this as a recycled post from my previous blog. So as not to disappoint, I'll add this extra snippet.

A gentleman stopped by Happy Drug World to pick-up his Viagra 100mg script recently. The copay was around 160 bucks for 8 tablets. Twenty bucks for each tablet.

His response when he heard the price.... that's a heckuva lot of money for less than 5 minutes of fun.

Now if I was him, that's not what I would say. Under five minutes of fun? That's not too impressive. It certainly didn't impress my cashier or technicians.

So here's my piece of advice for any man picking up a prescription for Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis. Since we all know that it costs about 20 bucks per encounter for the medication, the response that makes you look more manly is hey, that's less than a buck per minute. Cool.

Trust me. You will earn the respect of the entire pharmacy staff with that response.

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